BASTARD ROLL CALL: NELL

Next up is Nell, a certain someone who started as a nobody pugilist and wound up as one of my most fucked-up little animals.

Circa: ~2006
Age: 20
Height: 5'1"
Weight: 138 pounds
Occupation: Devil's advocate

Nell's past and family tree are shrouded in horrible legal name-changes, otherworldly poop, and Irish jackassery. Her now-estranged father, Arthur, lost a bar bet and wound up changing the family name to O'Fuckaduck (court found it too funny to pass up, owing likely to drunkenness), naming his firstborn daughter William, and later lavishing his younger son with a normal name and apprenticeship in the baffling Irish Art of Fighting (trademark?).

William went on to meet up with a crack squadron of deplorable superhumans, engaging in unspeakable shenanigans with a cult founded in the lifestyle of Mythbusting, squaring off against George Foreman on several occasions, killing dozens of people and getting away with it, you know, stuff. Somewhere along the way a shambling gorilla-monolith of a man by the name of Garcia Jenkman crawled through her entire digestive tract looking for a pair of keys, shitting his mystical Garcia poop all the while. Bill somehow recovered, and thereafter exhibited unprecedented resilience and physical fortitude; however she's also missing nearly all of her internal organs, somehow surviving with nothing but a damaged knot of intestines and a brain that hasn't quite been firing on all cylinders since.

She's settled down recently, but not before exacting revenge for her embarrassing name and spoiled brother, weaving through stacks of paperwork and court dates to change her name to Nell and her brother Shit Tits. All's well that ends well, now she just pisses away the days socializing with and/or antagonizing my ensemble for a rise. Nigh invincibility has skewed her moral compass, and she's not above ruining someone's day for a round of excitement...

Theme Song